Clean Sweep Page 12

  "With all due respect, I'm not legally required to answer any of your questions. Why is it you don't like me, Officer Marais? Is it because I'm not from here?"

  "It doesn't matter where you're from. You're here now and it's my job to protect you and everyone here. I'm doing my job and I don't appreciate the drama. Something isn't right with you and this property. Strange things happen around it. I don't know what is going on, but I will find out. You could make it easier on yourself by coming clean."

  "Sure. This is a magic bed-and-breakfast and the two guys in my kitchen are aliens from outer space."

  "Right." Officer Marais turned. "I'll let myself out."

  He turned and walked out. It took all my willpower not to make the door slam to help him on his way. That would be petty.

  Caldenia descended the staircase behind me. "You let him goad you."

  "I know. He aggravates me."

  Officer Marais was a problem. Just how big of a problem remained to be seen. He was just doing his job, after all, and he didn't strike me as a man who would manufacture evidence, so it was up to me to be smarter and more discreet and not provide him with anything to further his suspicions.

  I followed Caldenia into the kitchen. Arland saw her, set his mug down, stood up, and inclined his head in a pronounced bow. "Letere Olivione."

  He called her by her proper title.

  "Such a polite boy." Caldenia smiled. "I prefer Her Grace here. One must adhere to local customs after all. House Krahr, correct?"

  "Yes, Your Grace." Arland smiled and took a big swallow from his mug.

  "I believe I've met your grandfather, the Bloody Butcher of Odar."

  "That's correct."

  "I remember now. A delightful man, wonderfully dry sense of humor."

  Arland blinked. "My grandfather has been called many names in his lifetime. Delightful was not one of them. He remembers you also. You tried to poison him."

  Caldenia waved her fingers. "I've tried to poison everyone at one time or another. Don't take it personally."

  "Of course not," the vampire said and took another big swig.

  Wait. "What's in that cup?"

  "It's coffee," Sean said.

  "And it's delicious." Arland drank more.

  Oh crap. "You gave a vampire coffee?"

  "Yes." Sean frowned. "What's the problem? He really likes it. It's his second cup."

  "This will be highly amusing." Caldenia sat down.

  Arland shook his shoulders as if trying to get rid of an invisible weight resting there.

  "My lord, may I please have your cup?" I asked.

  Arland passed me his mug. It was empty. Oh no. Maybe his metabolism was strong enough and we would dodge the bullet.

  Arland hit me with a brilliant smile, showcasing his fangs. "Have I mentioned how exquisitely beautiful you are?"

  No, the bullet hit dead center. I braced myself.

  "I have a cousin whose stepbrother married a woman from Earth. He says—"

  "My lord, it's not appropriate for you to discuss your cousin's stepbrother's wife."

  Arland's eyes widened. "You're right," he said, his voice full of astonishment. "Personal honor. Very important." He swung to the window. "It's so nice out there. You have a lovely planet. And you, Dina, are also lovely. Did I mention that?"

  "You did," Sean said.

  "My man." Arland stepped over and punched Sean in the arm. "That was some wonderful stuff. We should drink more of it. I've got to get out of here."

  "No, you don't," I said. "My lord, you need to lie down."

  Arland opened the back door and walked out. I ran to the door. He stopped in the middle of the grassy stretch of lawn and yanked off his T-shirt, presenting us with a view of a muscular back.

  "So coffee gets him drunk," Sean said.

  "Vampires have a very sensitive metabolism," Caldenia said.

  "He just drank an equivalent of an entire bottle of whiskey," I told him.

  Arland's jeans followed his T-shirt. He wasn't wearing anything under them.

  "Oo," Caldenia said. "What is the saying? Full moon!"

  I dragged my hand over my face. Arland tossed the jeans in the air and sprinted through the orchard.

  "I've never understood why some guys strip when drunk." Sean grinned.

  "It's not funny. I've got a naked drunk vampire running around in my orchard."

  Arland zigzagged back and forth among the trees.

  Sean pressed his lips together, his expression strained.

  "It's not funny!"

  Sean leaned against the door and laughed.

  "It's your fault. You gave him coffee. Go get him before he leaves the property and Marais grabs him," I growled.

  "Yes, ma'am. I'm on it."

  He sprinted into the sunshine and made a beeline for Arland.

  "I'm so glad you decided to throw the rulebook out the window," Caldenia said. "Living here is getting more exciting by the minute."

  Chapter Eleven

  "Naked?" Arland raised the wet kitchen towel off his face long enough to give Sean a mortified glance.

  "Don't sweat it," Sean said. "Could've happened to anyone."

  His tone sounded casual, but Sean was watching Arland the way one would watch a slithering snake: calm, but ready to stomp on it if it chose to move his way.

  Arland groaned and put the towel back on his face. Somehow Sean had managed to talk him down and get him back into the kitchen and into his clothes, and moments later the caffeine withdrawal hit with a vengeance. Now the vampire sat in the kitchen, his back against the wall, an ice-cold towel on his face. Tylenol and Ibuprofen were out of the question. I had no idea how vampire metabolism would react to it, and his personal med unit was busy keeping his uncle alive.

  A vampire had once described a caffeine headache as the worst pain she had endured, even counting childbirth. So far Arland was doing his best to be heroically stoic about it.

  The coffee maker finished purring. I took the cup, added a teaspoon of sugar, crouched by Arland, and lifted the corner of the towel. He looked at me. "What is this?"

  "Peppermint tea. It will help with the headache. No side effects, I promise."

  He took the cup from my hands. "Thank you. While I was... drunk, did I happen to mention my cousin?"

  "Several times," Sean said.

  Arland groaned. "My apologies."

  "It's not a big deal," I told him.

  "Did I say anything else?"

  "What, about a blood debt, killing the dahaka, and how your House honor was involved?" Sean asked. "Nope, didn't mention it."

  Arland dragged his hand across his face.

  "You don't have to be an ass about it," I said.

  Sean shrugged. "How am I an ass? I live here. This is my neighborhood. I'm protecting it and I'm protecting you." His voice slid into a calm, methodical tone. "Let's review: first, this guy's uncle shows up, threatens you, ignores your warning, goes out to hunt dahaka, gets his people killed, and nearly dies. I rescue him, you keep him alive, and then Prince Rapunzel appears in a flash of red lightning, forces you to protect him, putting you and the entire neighborhood at risk, and explains nothing."

  Those were the facts, yes.

  Sean kept going. "The dahaka is here because of the vampires. They're obviously trying to capture it or kill it, and so far they've screwed this up royally in every way possible. The least your guest can do is to explain why. For all we know, the vampires could've triggered this entire situation. Maybe they bombed the dahaka's planet into the Stone Age or killed his sensei or whatever, and now he's looking for justified revenge while you're wiping sweat off Arland's brow and fetching him tea."

  Arland stood up. It was an instant movement. One second he was sitting on the floor, and the next he was on his feet, shoulders squared, fangs bared. "So you gave me coffee to get me to talk."

  Sean faced him. "No, I didn't. I gave you coffee because I thought you were a grown-up who could handle a grown-up drink."
<
br />   "Did you know what effect it would have?"

  "I didn't know vampires existed until your uncle showed up here, snarling and puffing out his chest."

  "My uncle is a veteran of seven wars, father to two knights, and a man of honor," Arland squeezed through his teeth. "You're not fit to step on his shadow."

  Sean crossed his arms. "I don't care who your uncle is or what he's done. So far I'm not impressed. The sooner your armored fun brigade gets off our planet and out of our hair, the better."

  "Your planet. Funny, when I looked at it from space, I didn't see your name on it." Arland leaned forward. "Your planet is a trail of dead rocks in the empty blackness. You have no sense of home, House, or honor. You're an outcast."

  "Enough," I said. If I didn't stop this now, in a minute they'd be rolling around my kitchen punching each other.

  "I was born here." Sean pointed to the ground. "On this planet. This is my home. I don't know where you're from, but if you have trouble finding your way back, I can help you with that."

  "You're trying to impress the girl," Arland said. "I understand, but you will fail. Don't trouble yourself—I will take care of my House's debt. Had I known that a mangy dog would get in my way, I would've made sure to mark higher on the apple trees."

  Apparently Sean's creative urinating hadn't gone unnoticed. It didn't surprise me—vampires were a predatory species and all the senses that helped them track prey were highly developed.

  Sean bared his teeth. The violence shivered in his eyes, ready to be unleashed.

  "Enough!" I set the broom on the floor, sending a magic ripple through the inn. The house rocked.

  The vampire and the werewolf shut up.

  "I will not have fighting in my inn." I turned to Arland. "My lord, your room is down the hall. Withdraw."

  He opened his mouth.

  "Withdraw or I will revoke your welcome, sanctuary or not."

  Arland turned and walked away stiffly, the cup of peppermint tea still in his hand.

  I turned to Sean.

  The werewolf shook his head. "You know what, I'm done. I'll show myself out."

  He spun on his heel and strode out.

  I shrugged my shoulders. Every innkeeper faced this, most sooner rather than later. When you play host to guests from across the universe, personalities clashed, and if you weren't careful, they would run rampant all over you. Being an innkeeper meant walking a fine line between courtesy and tyranny.

  But Sean was right. Arland and his House had put all of us at risk and it wasn't clear why. The fact that they weren't forthcoming with information was hardly surprising, but it didn't make my life any easier. Most innkeepers in my position would've left his uncle to die on the street. We didn't get involved unless something directly threatened the inn itself.

  Sean had even less obligation to get involved than I did. He had coped with shocking information well—even if it made him grumpy—but he kept trying to get a grip on the situation by taking charge, and it kept sliding through his fingers. I sympathized, but last time I checked I didn't answer to werewolves. Or to vampires.

  Speaking of vampires... I opened my fridge. Vampires required a specific diet, rich in fresh meat but also rich in fresh herbs. Dried wouldn't work. I would need the real thing: fresh parsley, dill, basil, and especially mint. Mints—peppermint, spearmint, and other members of Mentha genus—had an almost miraculous effect on vampires. They boosted their immune system and shortened recovery from injuries, and Lord Soren would need some in his diet as soon as he recovered enough to eat.

  Parsley and dill weren't a problem. I grew my own under the trees in the orchard. But basil and mint I would have to purchase. We were sadly out of Mello Yello, which kept Caldenia happy and content, and I had my hands full as it was without her getting snippy. Beast was nearing the bottom of her food bucket, and I could use a resupply on a few perishables, like coffee creamer. I took a jug of milk from the shelf, popped the top, and sniffed it. Ew. And milk.

  It was almost ten. The sun shone bright. If I had to make an excursion to the store, now would be the perfect time. If Hollywood's best special-effects artists caught a glimpse of the dahaka and his stalkers, they would suffer a collective apoplexy from sheer envy. There was no way for him to travel out in broad daylight. It was now or never.

  I took the car keys from the drawer and grabbed my purse. "I'm going to Costco. I'll be back soon. If Sean comes back, don't let him in. If the vampires try to leave, don't prevent them from going but do warn them that it's unsafe."

  The house creaked in acknowledgment. I stepped out, made show of locking the front door in case Officer Marais skulked about, and headed to my car.

  * * *

  There was something almost serene about walking through Costco in the morning. The clean expanse of the floor just rolled on and on, interrupted only by twenty-foot-tall shelves and stacks of merchandise arranged in neat bright islands in the gray sea of concrete.

  Maybe it was the feeling of plenty. Everything was supersized. Things came in huge boxes and volume was measured in pints, not ounces. It was a false but pleasant feeling of buying a lot at once and getting it at a good price. I could buy ten enormous jars of peanut butter and stuff it in the back of my car. My home was a battleground between a surly werewolf and an arrogant vampire, and a murderous alien was trying to kill us, but I would never run out of peanut butter again and I would get it for a steal, too.

  My phone buzzed in my pocket. I checked it. Sean. How had he even gotten my number?

  I let it buzz. He didn't leave a voice mail. It wasn't urgent then.

  I pushed my cart forward past the tables filled with stacks of clothes, toward the corner of the store where giant packs of paper towels and toilet paper waited. This early, the warehouse was practically empty. Here and there a mother pushed a cart with a toddler in tow. A retired couple debated which huge can of coffee to buy. A regular morning in an ordinary store, quiet. Just how I liked it. Nice and calm.

  Unfortunately, walking through a nice and calm store pretty much by myself also tended to clear one's head. My head got itself cleared fast and I ran straight into a hard thought. One way or another, I had to get rid of the dahaka. I had zero ideas about how to do it.

  No matter how I turned it around, Arland was my best bet. He had all the answers. However, the rules of hospitality dictated that I treat him as a guest. He'd asked for sanctuary, and I'd granted it. Our verbal contract was binding and could be broken only under very specific circumstances. The grant of sanctuary could be revoked if a guest had lied about the severity of his situation, if his presence inside the inn posed a risk to other guests beyond the innkeeper's ability to counteract, or if the guest willingly and knowingly aided in breaking the concealment provision.

  Arland hadn't lied about the severity of his situation. His uncle was truly near death and both of them were in clear and immediate danger. The second clause was usually invoked when a guest was a violent maniac who attempted to attack other guests within the inn. Not only did Arland not fit that description, but invoking this clause almost always resulted in having your inn marked down. It was an admission of failure on the innkeeper's part. If an innkeeper knew she couldn't handle a violent guest, she shouldn't have let him in. Once she did, she had to contain the guest or she had no business running the inn in the first place. It was like holding a sign that said "Hi, over here, I'm incompetent." I reminded myself that Gertrude Hunt could not afford to lose a mark.

  The last clause had to do with a guest who deliberately and knowingly compromised the secrecy surrounding the inns. Every planet and every world whose citizens sought refuge at the inns had sworn to conceal their existence and that of the innkeepers. Our planet at large wasn't ready for the big reveal of the universe. People had tried to test the waters—in October of 1938, for example—and the results weren't positive. However, Arland showed no inclination to approach random strangers on the street, declare that he was a vampire from a distant corner
of the galaxy, and offer to let them touch his fangs. Back to square one.

  I took some paper towels and stuffed them on the lower shelf of my cart. Maybe on my way out I'd treat myself to a slushy. Not that it would help me find my way out of this mess, but it would make me feel better.

  I rounded the shelf. Sometime soon I'd need to make an excursion to a home-improvement store and buy some lumber, paint, and PVC. If the inn was going to expand, I'd need to help out by providing some raw materials. Gertrude Hunt had the advantage of age—the inn had really deep roots, but it had stood abandoned for so long. Even though the flurry of recent activity wasn't really straining it, I'd rather be safe than sorry...

  A plump, dark-haired woman ahead of me stopped dead in her tracks and I almost ran my cart into her.

  "Excuse me." I smiled.

  She glanced at me, her eyes wide. "Did you see that?"

  "I'm sorry, see what?"

  "Over there." The woman pointed to the seven-foot-tall freezers.

  I studied the units. Bright square packages of frozen pizza, bags of corn, peas, and Normandy mix. Nothing out of the ordinary.

  "I guess I'm just going crazy." The woman frowned.

  "What do you think you saw?"

  A harsh, grating noise cut through the quiet. Something sharp was scratching across metal. I looked up. Above the freezer on the white wall sat a stalker, fastened to the drywall by its huge claws.

  The woman gasped.

  Son of a bitch. Out in broad daylight.

  No broom. Security cameras. A carnivorous alien monster in a warehouse full of unsuspecting people. I took a split-second inventory of the shelves in front of me and my cart. Shelves: paper towels, paper plates, napkins. Cart: ten three-liter bottles of Mello Yello, big bag of dog food, plastic bags filled with bunches of mint and basil, cookies, twin jugs of Clorox, olive oil...

  The stalker swiveled its head, its evil, vicious eyes measuring the distance between it and us.

  "What the hell is that?" the woman whispered.

  The stalker turned, twisting its body as if it were boneless.

  "Run," I barked and grabbed the metal shelves, sending a precision pulse through the building. The magic zapped through the shelving and into the floor.